My Roommate Randy

Squirrels. I don't love them, but I didn't hate them until a few months ago.

And up until last Monday, a squirrel was the only thing I had ever hit with my car. I even cried. His poor head was crushed into the street and he was still trying to run. Frightening prospect, having your head stuck to the street. Either way, I always thought squirrels were cute. Turns out, they are the Mona Lisa of outdoor animals. Cute is from a distance ONLY.

Some of you may recall this story from this last spring/summer.

I live in the North end, and I love it. This last spring, my roommate Kyle was on a back yard kick. And everyday he would take a coffee tin of peanuts outside, and place them on the fence for the squirrels. One squirrel, he would come back every time. So what did Kyle do?... put the peanuts closer... like on the bar. and the picnic table. Sure enough, the squirrel liked us. He started showing up for snack time, so what did Kyle do then? name him.

Randy. The fat squirrel who came over everyday to play with Kyle and have peanuts. Randy even got so comfortable, I believe he would take peanuts from Kyle's hands. (I probably would have fed Randy too- if I wasn't allergic to 99% of our world.)

Well, of course the day would come when Randy realized he didn't need Kyle. Randy took it upon himself to chew the plastic lid off the coffee tin and eat the peanuts himself!

This is when the trouble began.

Then we started to notice things in the cupboards that were spilled. Now, I didn't think much of this. flower bags break. Bisquick falls out of the box. Dry cereal spills. Bags of chocolate chips eat themselves... wait WHAT?!

Missing food+ unknown messes+ sounds like someone is in the ceiling can only = one thing... Randy made it inside.

We could not figure it out either. No holes outside we could see. and upon investigation, we found out that the real ceiling- above the ceiling tiles, was unfinished. as well as the cupboards- there was no top board above the top shelf. open to the world above. dang.

Well, this led to Randy using the plastic sheet ceiling tiles (the ones that cover where the fluorescent lights are) as his bathroom area.

We would come home and the clear plastic would be more pee-colored with little brown dots. and those dots were NOT dead flys people. Randy poo.

This got old FAST. All food items in the cupboards that were not in tin cans were gone. And washing ceiling tiles is not the most fun past time.

We figured, if we didn't put food in the cupboards, he would not have anything to eat, and go back outside.

Then came the foot prints in the butter on the counter. Not Kidding.

Randy, the little devil, figured out how to OPEN then cupboard doors from the inside. there for, all food no in the refrigerator was in danger.

Next comes the day I go home for lunch and Randy is hanging out on the couch. Apparently my house was as much his now as it was mine. He didn't think I'd be home for hours, so naturally, i scared the shit out of him. literally.

As Randy ran back into the kitchen, into the cupboard, up into the ceiling, and back outside, he left remains like a damn bread crumb trail... Apparently Randy read Hansel and Gretel.

I freaked. Called the land lord and told him about the new roommate- our problem he said.

So we buy Rat traps. I am going to make living with me as hard as possible for this guy. My dad helps me set them up in the ceiling and sure enough they all go off- all the treats in them gone, and no Randy. pretty sure he is laughing at me at this point.

We re-set the rat traps and the next time I get him! I even poked him with a broom to make sure...yeah- not moving.

So i call the dad and he comes to remove the expired roommate. Well, Randy was just playing dead- probably another trick he picked up. So after attacking my dad's arm, peeing all over his business suit and my kitchen- Randy makes it back to safety. grrrrr.....

That night, I woke up middle of the night as I routinely do. Only to find Randy at the foot of my bed- plotting my murder I assume. And he hissed at me. AT ME. sorry for invading your space Randy. (those are some territorial creatures...)

This is when we have to upgrade. Its time for a live trap. One big enough to catch a skunk is needed, seeing as Randy grew to the size of a dog now- with all the human food at his hands.

We bait it, set it, and wait. I am pretty sure Randy read a book on what those were and would never go near it. But then came the day we heard it slam shut! Trapped! FINALLY!

Randy was freaking. that sugar-crazed squirrel from Over The Hedge?!... that was actually Randy. With the help of my parents, we get the squirrel out of the ceiling, take the trap to the river, and set him free. I have never seen something move so fast.

Randy hasn't been back. but just to make sure, I throw things and chase away every squirrel that I see. No new roommates.