Big Pink Pills

I get migraines. I am sure this is not new news for some of you, but I get huge, gnarly, beast-of-them-all migraines. So bad that I get dizzy, throw up, can’t see.. and all that jazz. Needless to say, I have a hefty dose prescription of a little narcotic that I take when I get them to knock myself out and hopefully wake up feeling decent. I always refer to said medication as the “Big Pink Pills”. This name is based from the obvious- they are big pink pills.
When I take the pink pills, generally it knocks me out cold for 8+ hours. I mean cold like you might have to carry me if there is a fire because I cant wake up. This is as much a blessing as it’s not. Here’s why:

Last summer I had the mama of all migraines. It was probably 2pm a lovely, sunny Saturday afternoon. My ever so wonderful roommate-at-the-time, Kyle, is a good caretaker. Seeing my pain he set me up on the couch, cup of tea, Big pink pills, and a movie. I popped the suckers in, and about 10 minutes later looking from Kyle to the TV was like a watercolor painting. Blurry, liquidy, messy slow motion life.

…Next thing I know I hear a loud SLAM! I open my eyes and I can not see a thing. Its pitch black and so immediately I try to sit up and move my arms and I am stuck.. Tied down. Arms tied, legs tied, and pinned down. Immediately I start to freak out. Then a giant shadow leans over me, and instantly I knew what happened. I had been kidnapped, and this man was going to kill me. I start screaming and crying and fight to free my hands so I can start punching and slapping. And let me tell you… I am. I am doing everything in my panic-filled power to beat the Shit out of my captivator. Holding me down by my shoulders, I finally tune into the words coming out of the scary man’s mouth:

“Karlee! Karlee calm down! Karlee, its me! Its KYLE!!!”

…What the Hell?! I just break down into tears. I was not kidnapped. I was not tied down. I was on my flippin’ couch.

My dear friend had seen me fall asleep and tucked me in- blanket tucked so tight into me and into the couch that I felt like I was restrained. I had punched and slapped and screamed at Kyle, doing what he does best- be a nice care-takerie friend. And 8 or 9 hours later, it had turned to pitch black night-hence why I could not see. Oh man.

Thank heavens Kyle understood. More so he just laughed it off, as did I once my wits were about me. And now, I try to go straight to my bedroom if I have to take the big pink pills. Boy, when they tell you that they work, they are not pulling you leg.

Karlee and Kyle

Todays Advice

"Why is it that we fear the unknown so much? It's this constant need for answers and outcomes that makes us think we need to know our exact direction. But the truth is, even when we have an anticipated destination, we rarely arrive to the place we think it's going to be. So my advice is this: Embrace the unknown. Delight in not knowing where you are going to work, what city you'll live in, who you'll sleep next to each night. The unknown is scary because it means there are so many possibilities, some of which can be bad (there are a lot of people I don't want to sleep next to every night). However, it's also glorious because there are possibilities that we can't even imagine out there for us! Options so great, that they haven't even presented themselves as ideas in our minds yet. Love not knowing. Love uncertainty. It can only mean that you have brilliant possibilities in your future." ~Megan Egbert aka @hipmamacita

Thanks Megan. You ARE full of good stuff today.

beer me

A little letter to my friend Beer.

Beer~

We have caused problems together, we have solved problems together. We have got in trouble together, and we have got out of trouble together. We have shared memories, and have many forgotten ones as well. (But I think its better for both of us to have forgotten them, so no hard feelings, really.)


Just like I say about some of my other friends, you and I go way back. And we do.
I made sure to introduce you to my wonderful boyfriend, my family, my roommates and my friends. In turn, I like meeting your friends and relatives too. Usually I like them as much as i like you! I want you to know I mean it when I say that I like when you decide to show up and join in on the good time- you tend to be a nice addition.


But, I also want to stress that when I tell you enough is enough, or I need some space, or its time to leave me alone for awhile-I mean that too. But generally you do a good job keeping your distance and rarely show up uninvited, so thanks for that.
Thanks for listening to me blab all the time too, beer. You've sat through many a conversation. I don't always enjoy your input into the conversation after the fact, though I must say I do appreciate your listening skills. I also appreciate you curbing your jealousy when I choose other people or activities over you. It doesn't mean I don't like you. I hope you understand.

Recently I noticed that we have taken all kinds of photos together! Granted, most of the time you look better than I do, but hey- what can you do. Ya win some, ya lose some...I included some of those memories for you to look back on as well. aaah, good times.

Thanks again my not-so-long-lost friend. Its been fun, as I am sure it will contiue to be.

Lock Lock, Double Lock

8 years ago, I didn't think it of any importance to lock your car door while in the car.

After the coming incidents, you will understand why I have done it religiously- whether I be driving, front seat, back seat, your car, my car...(you get the point).

8 years ago a drunk bum tried to steal me from my car.

At least I think he tried to steal me- never stuck around to find out his exact intention.

..and at least i think he was drunk-I only confirmed the odor of booze.

But certainly, he was homeless.

Anyway-I was sitting at a red light at 15th and State Street one lovely summer night in our lovely town of Boise. Window down, music bumpin' (if you will), and nothing out of the ordinary.

I saw the bum walking up to me. This is important because he did not catch me by surprise. I took (what i thought was) proper precautions and discretely began rolling up the window. (I did not want to offend him and make him THINK it was because of him, but he freaked me out.)

Faster than I could even get the window all the way up, he tried to reach in. Upon noticing that was not going to work, he opened the car door! I grabbed the handle on the inside and pulled it shut. Before I could get it locked he was opening it again- together our opposing strenghts arguing over who was going to get what they wanted. I wanted safety. He wanted in.

NO THANKS. I screamed at the driver to go...and we did. Right through the red light.

Side Note: any near death experience running a red light might have posed for me was a walk in the park compared to the bum trying to get me.

Reaching safety blocks away, I called the police.

This was incident numero uno.

A couple years later I was the actual driver of a car where a stranger tried to get it.

Again, at night, I ran a stop light to escape the stranger. He obviously could not get in seeing as my door was locked. That's two times for me that I was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

THIS IS BOISE PEOPLE. Scary stuff.

Hence why I lock my doors immediately upon entering a vehicle. You never know when someone is going to want to steal you.

Its Different Today

It’s different today.
Not a terrible different, just a noticeable one.
It’s a combination of things actually. Weather, emotions,
the fact that it’s Monday and I am at home.
I still need to take a shower.
It’s different today.

I am reading.
I am reading because being stuck in this book is keeping me from shaking.
I am reading, but I am frustrated at how slow my progress is.
I keep looking at my phone to see the time,
looking at the page number to see how far I’ve read, and back at my phone again.
No one has contacted me yet today.
My eyes hurt, they really burn-that’s also why I am reading so slowly.
But I’m not too frustrated to shut my eyes.
The book is good, I won’t lie.
It’s different today.

I feel funny. Not HA-HA funny.

I like to be 'make you laugh' funny. I like to make light of things.

But I mean funny like 'odd.'

I don't feel like being funny.

That's different today.

We decide to catch up on a favorite pastime.
We snuggle down under a blanket we’ve sat under a thousand times,
but you still ask me if you are taking up too much of it.
Of course not- we fit fine under here.
My laptop is notably hot on my thighs, even through the blanket.
It doesn’t matter though, its comforting. I am comfortable.
Normally I wouldn’t have noticed, but today I am abnormally aware of my surroundings.
But the show is good, and you are good, and so I don’t think about it long.
It’s just different today.

We both know we are tired.
You need some sleep.
I am going to be awake for a while, I already know that.
I can feel and hear both of our heartbeats. We are calm, but
they are equally heavy and fast.
You are dreaming- your body is telling me that.
I am listening, and thinking, and I am anxious.
Or is it nervous? Or maybe it’s merely anticipation. I don’t know what it is.
I do know that I love you. That feeling is very strong.
And I wouldn’t change this moment in any way.
I am surprisingly happy, but I still don’t feel good.
It’s different today.

Dreams

I have always had very intense dreams. I wake up crying... like big sobs and tons of tears and gasping for breath crying- all the time. sometimes i have no recollection of it, and just wake up to a tear soaked pillow. And sometimes I wake up and know exactly what happened.

I also dream and get scared. Scared to where I need to get up, strip my bed and remake it to insure there are no spiders, scared where i sit up out of a dead sleep and my heart is pounding. I dream in crazy heavy emotion. I am going to start logging some of these wacky dreams. **

Phobias, Fears, and Spiders- OH MY!

Fears and Phobias: something I continue to find fascinating.

There are so many things out there, and someone who is afraid of everything.

This is what I learned today about Phobias: PHOBIA: The word phobia is Greek, therefore any word that is connected to it should be Greek. To coin a new phobia name, it is proper to follow this rule. The rule has been broken many times in the past especially within the medical profession which is steeped in Latin and often, when forming a name for a phobia, they have dipped into what they know and have used a Latin suppletion affixed to the Greek stem to form their names. The language pundits frown on this but it has happened time and time again over the years and these words have become accepted.

*SIDE NOTE: here is an Indexed Phobia List . Cool to look through, I must say.


I hate to admit it, but I have a phobia. Its irrational, embarrassing, uncontrollable, and insane. I am aware, and not proud. And I have tried everything short of being submerged in a vat of "the fear", and hypnotherapy. and believe me, I *still* am looking into Hypnosis. I believe I have Arachnophobia.


I am not entirely sure at which point something you are afraid of is deemed a 'phobia'. All I know is that for me, it is more than just disliking spiders or being scared of seeing them.
I know the difference. I can compare it with my fear of becoming bald, also known as Phalacrophobia. But I don't feel the same way about fearing my own baldness, I don't think its a phobia, as I do with spiders.


The difference is that upon encountering the little bastards, it is almost as if a light switch is flipped. One second I am fine, and the next I am in pure hysteria. I cant control my tears (and mind you- it is not just tears, its substantial amount of sobbing, sometimes mixed with shaking). My heart races, instantly my head hurts, and an insane amount of panic hits my entire body like lightning. Its absurd I tell you! My body & brain hit shock.

It doesn't matter the size of the spider, the result is basically the same. My only adapted 'saving grace' is that if I am far enough away to instantly convince myself that there is a chance its a different bug- i.e. a beetle or a fly- I can tone down the tears and panic and GTFO. But the moment my brain makes the connection, I am a lost cause.

I am not even sure what it is exactly I am afraid of either. In most cases I don't think it will kill me, although I do feel like they seek me out, knowing I don't like them- much like cats do. I know I am bigger (much, much bigger) and have the upper hand in the sense that I could step on the sucker, but I cant. I cant get close enough. I don't want to get close enough. THEY ARE SCARY. I did live in Kauai, Hawaii when i was little- Big ass spiders there. I would run through our door under the sleeping cane spiders every day. (Cane spiders EAT BABY BLUEBIRDS- wtf.) Perhaps the abnormal amount of spiders there contributed to the issue, I don't know.


I have nightmares that spiders and have to get up, strip my bed, and remake it in order to get to back sleep. And it frightens me to know that Daddy Long-Legs-which are everywhere- are SOOO poisonous that if they had large enough mouths to bite humans, it would kill you. My luck- I will encounter that one daddy long leg with a big mouth.


I write about this lightly, but this is one of the few things that actually embarrass me. It doesn't matter where I am- work, the grocery store, with the boyfriend, the park...- I can not control what happens to my mind and body. (and anyone who has been witness: my eyes do not handle tears well: insta-poof)
People judge: "It's just a spider Karlee." .... YEAH, I AM AWARE. I hate them. And I certainly would not freak out if I had the choice.
Worst part: you tell me you killed it, and part of me doesn't believe you. What if you tell me you killed it because it got away and you want to solve the issue?! But actually showing me the killed spider is just as bad.

Anyway, lost cause here. Working on how to solve this issue for myself. Either way, thought the phobia site up top was neat.


P.S. : Shane killed a HUGE spider with his bare finger the other day. BARE FINGER. siiiick.