Just Go Here

http://karleemay.wordpress.com/

Just go here

My First Sunburn

Its happened. In my 23+ years of existence, I have finally joined the rest of you. I have now, for the first time ever, utterly burned the shat out of my body. Its quite absurd actually.
I have had 'pink' areas. I will not lie, the top of my head has 'burned' enough to peel. But until now, THAT HAS BEEN IT.
Now, I have officially cooked and lobstered myself. And I must say, this is one of the most painful things my skin has ever been forced to sit through. (side note: I am technically sitting through the process, seeing as the blisters from my Teva's and the 10 mile hike Shane and I went on have made it so walking is not high on my to-do list right now.)

This is an entirely new process for me. I do not know what to expect with an actual sun burn. I got some suggested Aloe and let me tell you- that is the most amazing feeling on za planet! It IS like hand sanitizer for the body, and I want a bathtub of it that I can just lay down in.
I don't want it to peel, but Shane told me its "cooked and coming off like original recipe off a thigh at KFC." I don't even know what that is, but that is disgusting and horrifying. I am going to do everything in my power to prevent any part of my body resembling something from a fast food joint.

Give me some more Motrin, some more beer, some baggy clothes and some aloe!



No, thats not a white tanktop you see...
I feel like I could fry an egg on my chest!
...but it was TOTALLY worth it. Super fun weekend in the sun. Lesson learned: Sun Screen is your friend, even if you don't ever sunburn.

The FIling Cabinet Incident

A week ago today a huge filing cabinet fell completely over on me and crushed me beneith its massive weight. this is the photo that was taken of the incident. I cant believe I forgot to post it!

**note: readers- please read me/follow me/ subscribe to me/ hang out with me on my wordpress blog- I update that one much more frequently. http://karleemay.wordpress.com/

Carma

You.
YOU know who you are.
Maybe I don’t, and maybe I won’t…
but you know who you are.
You drug a key from the middle of the hood, down the left side all the way through the driver side door, ending a little less than half way through the back seat driver’s side door. And drug is an understatement, for the majority of what you did was dig off the layers of paint in a not even straight line down the body of my car.

OH, lets not forget the little twofer you threw in there on the driver door. Lets talk briefly about how immature that is.

1) If you are smart, no one will never know you did it. So go ahead and feel cool about f’ing up my car in secret. You can’t even share your glory.

2) If I do find out it was you who did it, it suddenly won’t be so funny.

3) I like to think generally I am a likeable person. I get along with just about everyone. I don’t recall recently pissing anyone off, but if I did… grow up. Join the adult club and confront a problem. If you do in fact know me and it was malicious, you will know that I have no problem whatsoever talking to your dumb face.

4) Lastly- if I don’t know you and it was just some dick prank move to a stranger… then again I suggest growing up. My car is not a piece of junk that I don’t take care of or am not proud of.

CARma is a bitch, as I am sure you will soon realize.

love, KARlee MAy

I will bail you out

I always leave my phone ringer on at night, in case of an emergency. This one particular night, it was an emergency.

2:14 am on a Thursday my phone starts loudly informing me that someone from an anonymous number needs something. With my eyes still shut I grab the thing, flip it open and groggily utter “hello?!…”

“You have received a Collect Call from the Ada County Jail from…Michelle XXXX… Press 1 to accept the charges. Press 2 to decline”

My eyes pop right open. Obviously I press 1, this is my good friend on the other line.

….long pause. (some beeping). Long pause…

“Karlee?! Its Shelly…” All I can hear is crying. No, crying is an understatement. All I can hear is bawling.

“Shelly, what is going on?!”

“I got pulled over and arrested for Drinking and Driving.” (more sobs.) “I got a DUI! You know I can’t call my parents…”

This is true, I know she can’t. “WHAT?! When? Just now?!” (duh Karlee, duh)

“Yes, just now! They are giving me the option to have someone come bail me out so I don’t have to stay the night. Karlee, please?! can you PLEASE come bail me out? I have the money, I will pay you back I SWEAR… just don’t make me stay here.”

“Alright Shelly, I am coming. Tell me how much and where to go.” -As my friend is giving me the details, I am *quickly* getting dressed, finding shoes, keys, and running to my car. I jump in while on the phone with her and continue to get details of what I need to do in this process. This is, of course, my first time bailing a friend out of jail in the middle of the night. About 5 minutes into the drive, just as I am about to tell her I will see her in a minute and it will all be ok, I hear a little TINY giggle.

A giggle?!

“F* off Shelly!” I hang up the phone. Turn around. Head home. Immediately upon hanging up my phone is ringing again. I don’t need to answer though, I know what the voicemail is going to say:

2:14am: 4/1: = Best April Fools Prank EVER.

touche my friend, touche. Nothing has even come close to topping that. I was in it hook, line, and sinker. I pressed 1 on my cell phone and everything. touche.

Dare You To...

We’ve all been in that situation where someone has a terrible idea and suggests you do it. You then take one of the following options:
1) Ask them what they will give you and in turn weigh the cost & effect
2) Determine why they themselves are not doing whatever was suggested and decide if you want to be THAT guy.
3) Realize its probably not best and turn the tables with a “No” or a “Why don’t YOU?!”
4) Completely ignore the source, all sense of right vs wrong, health, complications, etc… and jump in feet first.
For whatever reason I tend to choose option 4. Not always the best decision as demonstrated in the following scenerios:

*Once I snorted a big, finly ground line of… salt. I did it for the biggest size Cold Stone treat. Before the line- genuis idea. Its salt! I love salt and eat it every day. After the line- TOTALLY NOT WORTH IT. I couldn’t stop crying, the burning sensation was far more than expected, and everything tasted like blood for days… incuding said Cold Stone. #BS

*I once was convinced that it was a good idea to climb up a ladder into the rafters of an unfinished building to turn up a fog machine at a party that was not my own. At the risk of being kicked out or plumeting to a broken bone fate, I accepted the task knowing that should I succeed, I was getting a red bull and a piggy back to the next bar. (innebriation may or may not have been a factor)

* I drank a cup and a half of straight soy sauce for $5.00. I vomited far more than what $5.00 could make me feel good about vomiting. ’nuff said.

* I have been convinced that riding down a steep, wooden flight of stairs in a plastic laundry basket was a great idea. I actually went so fast that upon crashing into the wall across the hall at the bottom of the stairs, I shattered the laundry basket, not to mention my pride. In turn, I also have been convinced that going down a steep carpeted flight of stairs in a giant box was a good idea too. same result.

* I stood up on my table in a quite busy Thai Noodle Hut restaurant and asked for the entire bar / restaurant’s attention so I could tell them all a joke. Little did the restaurant know that I was getting my entire dinner & drink tab picked up by the waitor if I had the balls to do it. Little did the waitor know I had the balls. (side note: the waitor freaked and asked me to get down before I told the joke, afraid he’d get in trouble. I compromised and sat back down, beers and dessert covered.)

* I marched up to a decently well known musician (one I like quite a bit) and, quite frankly demanded him to play more music. After failed attempt #1, I listened to my friend and it seemed logic- go back and tell him “I’m Karlee F*cking May, and you should pl…” not so much. Come to think of it, I don’t think I was even getting anything for doing that- just that we wanted him to play for us.

* Countless times for countless different pirzes I have tried to eat/swollow a tablespoon of straight cinnimon with out coughing or spitting any out. Want to make a bet you are sure to win? Bet someone they can’t do that- because its impossible.

* I went up a chair lift having never been on a snowboard before to attempt to snowboard down. First times a charm they tell me. Bet me $40.00 I couldn’t do it… bingo. I couldn’t. Not far from the top I fell and fractured my wrist. P.S. snow patrol at Bogus sucks the big one.

…I think I have made my point clear.

The next time you are making a bet- weigh your options. Sometimes the money or the free drink end up NOT being worth it. but then again, sometimes it totally is.

My Watch

EARLY IS ON TIME,
ON TIME IS LATE,
AND LATE IS UNACCEPTABLE

A very wise woman taught me this. And this is how I roll. %94 of the time, anyway.

I am an on-timer. I like to be there before the show. I like my seat in the theater before the lights dim and the previews start. I like to be waiting on you, not have you waiting on me. ... I immediately take that back. I dont LIKE to be waiting on you, but I would prefer to be waiting on you if waiting is to be had.

Needless to say, I dont like being late: not the 'on-time' late, and not the 'late is unacceptable' late. In fact, it really chaps my ass.

(side note: I forgot how much I love that saying until Ashley said it the other day.)

I feel bad if I am late. A) It messes with my day. B) because its not nice to you C)because when I run real late I tend to stress & panic = I sweat.

Here is my thought though, and I will stand by this until the day I can't stand (in which case I will sit by this):
There is never a reason why you should not call and inform the other parties involved if you are running late. NEVER, unless you there is death, dead, or dying involved.

You can always call your date and say you are running behind. You can always call your iterviewer and let them know you are on your way. You can text your friends and keep them up to speed with your progress. (side note again: you should NOT text your boss to tell them you are late- you should always call your boss. Found that out the hard way.)

*sorry for the tangent: my point was supposed to be that today I have already been late twice, and its not even 3:00.

I was late this morning (by just a smidge)- I would even go as far as to say that I fell in the "on time is late" category. STRIKE1 .
Then when coming back from lunch, I was legitimately late. STRIKE2

Me being late really throws my day out of whack. Don't get me wrong- I am happy to fly by the seat of my pants when flying by the seat of your pants is appropriate. If everyone on board your little ship is not pant-seat flying, you should stick to being on time too. Its the decent thing to do.
that, or dont expect anyone to wait for you.

Like my friend for example, who always wants to hang out and will "be there in 10." 10 minutes can (not so) quickly turn into an hour or more, and it doesn't occure to said friend why I left you behind.

What did this blog even turn into? I was late and apparently just wanted to share my life motto with you.

There are often good reasons for being late- I allow exceptions. Exceptions for why you are late and exceptions for myself and why I am late. This is allowed, but should not be the norm. Do your best to plan your life around your life...

Be early. or be on time. Thats all I got. I'm obviously stuck on that point right now.

Big Pink Pills

I get migraines. I am sure this is not new news for some of you, but I get huge, gnarly, beast-of-them-all migraines. So bad that I get dizzy, throw up, can’t see.. and all that jazz. Needless to say, I have a hefty dose prescription of a little narcotic that I take when I get them to knock myself out and hopefully wake up feeling decent. I always refer to said medication as the “Big Pink Pills”. This name is based from the obvious- they are big pink pills.
When I take the pink pills, generally it knocks me out cold for 8+ hours. I mean cold like you might have to carry me if there is a fire because I cant wake up. This is as much a blessing as it’s not. Here’s why:

Last summer I had the mama of all migraines. It was probably 2pm a lovely, sunny Saturday afternoon. My ever so wonderful roommate-at-the-time, Kyle, is a good caretaker. Seeing my pain he set me up on the couch, cup of tea, Big pink pills, and a movie. I popped the suckers in, and about 10 minutes later looking from Kyle to the TV was like a watercolor painting. Blurry, liquidy, messy slow motion life.

…Next thing I know I hear a loud SLAM! I open my eyes and I can not see a thing. Its pitch black and so immediately I try to sit up and move my arms and I am stuck.. Tied down. Arms tied, legs tied, and pinned down. Immediately I start to freak out. Then a giant shadow leans over me, and instantly I knew what happened. I had been kidnapped, and this man was going to kill me. I start screaming and crying and fight to free my hands so I can start punching and slapping. And let me tell you… I am. I am doing everything in my panic-filled power to beat the Shit out of my captivator. Holding me down by my shoulders, I finally tune into the words coming out of the scary man’s mouth:

“Karlee! Karlee calm down! Karlee, its me! Its KYLE!!!”

…What the Hell?! I just break down into tears. I was not kidnapped. I was not tied down. I was on my flippin’ couch.

My dear friend had seen me fall asleep and tucked me in- blanket tucked so tight into me and into the couch that I felt like I was restrained. I had punched and slapped and screamed at Kyle, doing what he does best- be a nice care-takerie friend. And 8 or 9 hours later, it had turned to pitch black night-hence why I could not see. Oh man.

Thank heavens Kyle understood. More so he just laughed it off, as did I once my wits were about me. And now, I try to go straight to my bedroom if I have to take the big pink pills. Boy, when they tell you that they work, they are not pulling you leg.

Karlee and Kyle

Todays Advice

"Why is it that we fear the unknown so much? It's this constant need for answers and outcomes that makes us think we need to know our exact direction. But the truth is, even when we have an anticipated destination, we rarely arrive to the place we think it's going to be. So my advice is this: Embrace the unknown. Delight in not knowing where you are going to work, what city you'll live in, who you'll sleep next to each night. The unknown is scary because it means there are so many possibilities, some of which can be bad (there are a lot of people I don't want to sleep next to every night). However, it's also glorious because there are possibilities that we can't even imagine out there for us! Options so great, that they haven't even presented themselves as ideas in our minds yet. Love not knowing. Love uncertainty. It can only mean that you have brilliant possibilities in your future." ~Megan Egbert aka @hipmamacita

Thanks Megan. You ARE full of good stuff today.

beer me

A little letter to my friend Beer.

Beer~

We have caused problems together, we have solved problems together. We have got in trouble together, and we have got out of trouble together. We have shared memories, and have many forgotten ones as well. (But I think its better for both of us to have forgotten them, so no hard feelings, really.)


Just like I say about some of my other friends, you and I go way back. And we do.
I made sure to introduce you to my wonderful boyfriend, my family, my roommates and my friends. In turn, I like meeting your friends and relatives too. Usually I like them as much as i like you! I want you to know I mean it when I say that I like when you decide to show up and join in on the good time- you tend to be a nice addition.


But, I also want to stress that when I tell you enough is enough, or I need some space, or its time to leave me alone for awhile-I mean that too. But generally you do a good job keeping your distance and rarely show up uninvited, so thanks for that.
Thanks for listening to me blab all the time too, beer. You've sat through many a conversation. I don't always enjoy your input into the conversation after the fact, though I must say I do appreciate your listening skills. I also appreciate you curbing your jealousy when I choose other people or activities over you. It doesn't mean I don't like you. I hope you understand.

Recently I noticed that we have taken all kinds of photos together! Granted, most of the time you look better than I do, but hey- what can you do. Ya win some, ya lose some...I included some of those memories for you to look back on as well. aaah, good times.

Thanks again my not-so-long-lost friend. Its been fun, as I am sure it will contiue to be.

Lock Lock, Double Lock

8 years ago, I didn't think it of any importance to lock your car door while in the car.

After the coming incidents, you will understand why I have done it religiously- whether I be driving, front seat, back seat, your car, my car...(you get the point).

8 years ago a drunk bum tried to steal me from my car.

At least I think he tried to steal me- never stuck around to find out his exact intention.

..and at least i think he was drunk-I only confirmed the odor of booze.

But certainly, he was homeless.

Anyway-I was sitting at a red light at 15th and State Street one lovely summer night in our lovely town of Boise. Window down, music bumpin' (if you will), and nothing out of the ordinary.

I saw the bum walking up to me. This is important because he did not catch me by surprise. I took (what i thought was) proper precautions and discretely began rolling up the window. (I did not want to offend him and make him THINK it was because of him, but he freaked me out.)

Faster than I could even get the window all the way up, he tried to reach in. Upon noticing that was not going to work, he opened the car door! I grabbed the handle on the inside and pulled it shut. Before I could get it locked he was opening it again- together our opposing strenghts arguing over who was going to get what they wanted. I wanted safety. He wanted in.

NO THANKS. I screamed at the driver to go...and we did. Right through the red light.

Side Note: any near death experience running a red light might have posed for me was a walk in the park compared to the bum trying to get me.

Reaching safety blocks away, I called the police.

This was incident numero uno.

A couple years later I was the actual driver of a car where a stranger tried to get it.

Again, at night, I ran a stop light to escape the stranger. He obviously could not get in seeing as my door was locked. That's two times for me that I was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

THIS IS BOISE PEOPLE. Scary stuff.

Hence why I lock my doors immediately upon entering a vehicle. You never know when someone is going to want to steal you.

Its Different Today

It’s different today.
Not a terrible different, just a noticeable one.
It’s a combination of things actually. Weather, emotions,
the fact that it’s Monday and I am at home.
I still need to take a shower.
It’s different today.

I am reading.
I am reading because being stuck in this book is keeping me from shaking.
I am reading, but I am frustrated at how slow my progress is.
I keep looking at my phone to see the time,
looking at the page number to see how far I’ve read, and back at my phone again.
No one has contacted me yet today.
My eyes hurt, they really burn-that’s also why I am reading so slowly.
But I’m not too frustrated to shut my eyes.
The book is good, I won’t lie.
It’s different today.

I feel funny. Not HA-HA funny.

I like to be 'make you laugh' funny. I like to make light of things.

But I mean funny like 'odd.'

I don't feel like being funny.

That's different today.

We decide to catch up on a favorite pastime.
We snuggle down under a blanket we’ve sat under a thousand times,
but you still ask me if you are taking up too much of it.
Of course not- we fit fine under here.
My laptop is notably hot on my thighs, even through the blanket.
It doesn’t matter though, its comforting. I am comfortable.
Normally I wouldn’t have noticed, but today I am abnormally aware of my surroundings.
But the show is good, and you are good, and so I don’t think about it long.
It’s just different today.

We both know we are tired.
You need some sleep.
I am going to be awake for a while, I already know that.
I can feel and hear both of our heartbeats. We are calm, but
they are equally heavy and fast.
You are dreaming- your body is telling me that.
I am listening, and thinking, and I am anxious.
Or is it nervous? Or maybe it’s merely anticipation. I don’t know what it is.
I do know that I love you. That feeling is very strong.
And I wouldn’t change this moment in any way.
I am surprisingly happy, but I still don’t feel good.
It’s different today.

Dreams

I have always had very intense dreams. I wake up crying... like big sobs and tons of tears and gasping for breath crying- all the time. sometimes i have no recollection of it, and just wake up to a tear soaked pillow. And sometimes I wake up and know exactly what happened.

I also dream and get scared. Scared to where I need to get up, strip my bed and remake it to insure there are no spiders, scared where i sit up out of a dead sleep and my heart is pounding. I dream in crazy heavy emotion. I am going to start logging some of these wacky dreams. **

Phobias, Fears, and Spiders- OH MY!

Fears and Phobias: something I continue to find fascinating.

There are so many things out there, and someone who is afraid of everything.

This is what I learned today about Phobias: PHOBIA: The word phobia is Greek, therefore any word that is connected to it should be Greek. To coin a new phobia name, it is proper to follow this rule. The rule has been broken many times in the past especially within the medical profession which is steeped in Latin and often, when forming a name for a phobia, they have dipped into what they know and have used a Latin suppletion affixed to the Greek stem to form their names. The language pundits frown on this but it has happened time and time again over the years and these words have become accepted.

*SIDE NOTE: here is an Indexed Phobia List . Cool to look through, I must say.


I hate to admit it, but I have a phobia. Its irrational, embarrassing, uncontrollable, and insane. I am aware, and not proud. And I have tried everything short of being submerged in a vat of "the fear", and hypnotherapy. and believe me, I *still* am looking into Hypnosis. I believe I have Arachnophobia.


I am not entirely sure at which point something you are afraid of is deemed a 'phobia'. All I know is that for me, it is more than just disliking spiders or being scared of seeing them.
I know the difference. I can compare it with my fear of becoming bald, also known as Phalacrophobia. But I don't feel the same way about fearing my own baldness, I don't think its a phobia, as I do with spiders.


The difference is that upon encountering the little bastards, it is almost as if a light switch is flipped. One second I am fine, and the next I am in pure hysteria. I cant control my tears (and mind you- it is not just tears, its substantial amount of sobbing, sometimes mixed with shaking). My heart races, instantly my head hurts, and an insane amount of panic hits my entire body like lightning. Its absurd I tell you! My body & brain hit shock.

It doesn't matter the size of the spider, the result is basically the same. My only adapted 'saving grace' is that if I am far enough away to instantly convince myself that there is a chance its a different bug- i.e. a beetle or a fly- I can tone down the tears and panic and GTFO. But the moment my brain makes the connection, I am a lost cause.

I am not even sure what it is exactly I am afraid of either. In most cases I don't think it will kill me, although I do feel like they seek me out, knowing I don't like them- much like cats do. I know I am bigger (much, much bigger) and have the upper hand in the sense that I could step on the sucker, but I cant. I cant get close enough. I don't want to get close enough. THEY ARE SCARY. I did live in Kauai, Hawaii when i was little- Big ass spiders there. I would run through our door under the sleeping cane spiders every day. (Cane spiders EAT BABY BLUEBIRDS- wtf.) Perhaps the abnormal amount of spiders there contributed to the issue, I don't know.


I have nightmares that spiders and have to get up, strip my bed, and remake it in order to get to back sleep. And it frightens me to know that Daddy Long-Legs-which are everywhere- are SOOO poisonous that if they had large enough mouths to bite humans, it would kill you. My luck- I will encounter that one daddy long leg with a big mouth.


I write about this lightly, but this is one of the few things that actually embarrass me. It doesn't matter where I am- work, the grocery store, with the boyfriend, the park...- I can not control what happens to my mind and body. (and anyone who has been witness: my eyes do not handle tears well: insta-poof)
People judge: "It's just a spider Karlee." .... YEAH, I AM AWARE. I hate them. And I certainly would not freak out if I had the choice.
Worst part: you tell me you killed it, and part of me doesn't believe you. What if you tell me you killed it because it got away and you want to solve the issue?! But actually showing me the killed spider is just as bad.

Anyway, lost cause here. Working on how to solve this issue for myself. Either way, thought the phobia site up top was neat.


P.S. : Shane killed a HUGE spider with his bare finger the other day. BARE FINGER. siiiick.

Bee Positive

I will be the first to admit- I have bad days. I have back to back bad days. I get in terrible moods, where even the kindest gestures that normally I feel would warrant praise go near-unnoticed because I am mad. I complain, I gripe, I grumble... but I don't do it everyday.

Its becoming more and more noticeable to me how many people are ONLY negative. Everyday a coworker of mine starts her day off walking in the door and says something negative. every.day. Is there seriously nothing good in your life? I have mentioned this to her too. One day I was so sick of how she entered the office that I waited for her to get here and I flat out told her she has never come into the office happy. or said something nice. Not even that its not something nice, its not something not-negative. Her response: 'whatever."

Well, WHATEVER to you!? you smack negativity all over where I hang out for 8 hours a day. I don't like that. I would rather be somewhere else too, but face it- that's life. Hold your breath if you must, and wait to say how terrible your weekend was, or how cold your hand are, or how the traffic is so bad, or comment on how messed up I am for having a fan on...

and I am in no way suggesting that everyone stop bitching. I am all for it. Speak your mind, argue for the sake of arguing, point out what you dislike- its good for you. I do it!

BUT serious. if there is nothing in your life that makes you happy... you need a new life.

I would put money on that if you say something nice, or positive, before turning to bitching- overall your day, or better yet -your life, will be a whole lot better.

Try it. Dare you. Bee positive. :)

*Now, on my positive note: I got a new coffee maker today and a ton of coffee. Now I have a french press AND a one cup coffee maker. and the little coffee pouches are real cute. I am very pleased and excited to give it a go.*

Business Time

http://

This cracks me up.

Worst Luck

Lets recap my weekend: (yeah, there are witnesses)

Friday: random allergy to something in a salad. who knows WHAT it was, but it was something. Probably just shared a kitchen with something I am actually allergic to. But mid-chicken salad my mouth/tongue decided to whack out. Really, this was minor. Almost not worth mentioning, other than that it made for a 3 day in a row sequence of events.

Saturday: game night. Nothing major, nothing out of the ordinary. suddenly- BAM! hands swelled up-( swole up? were swollen??) either way, it was totally randomly. Thought at first I was just retaining water- i hear too much salt will do that to you. So, i took off my rings, which almost didn't come off. Then, next thing I knew I could not even touch my fingers to the palms of my hands that said fingers are attached to. What the eff? Benadryl-ed any annoyed, I went to bed. Bringing us to...

Sunday:

Started out just enjoying an absolutely delish pizza with the boyfriend before heading to watch Sherlock Holmes (which I must add, was quite good.) and ended with a bloody swollen mouth. Somewhere between dousing my pizza in red pepper flakes, and consuming the slice itself, one of those little spicy round bastards forced its way between my gum and front tooth. It hurt and burned like a mother. Now, having been previously Dental Schooled, I took it upon myself to head to the bathroom and perform a flake-removal procedure with a sharp piece of armamentarium- hand crafted from a straw. After icing the area throughout the movie, the swelling is gone and its only a fat sliced gum. but omg.

Seems to be that the boyfriend is right: I am a walking calamity.